Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
