I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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