I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
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