Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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