Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
