My underwear smells like fireworks.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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