you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
