Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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