I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
