come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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