I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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