you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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