I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize