I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
