remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
