I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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