I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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