Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
