Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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