Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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