i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize