We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i think i have two assholes
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
