you traded sex for a burrito?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
