I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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