i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
