Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
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It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
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Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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