I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
