3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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