why im i the only drunk person in the library?
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
