New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
