you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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