you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
