it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
