Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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