I met the friendliest cop last night
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
