she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
im holly from the hills drunk
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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