i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
