I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
