peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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