how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
