I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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