I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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