Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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