made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
