Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
