Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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