My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just had sex on a roof
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
