I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
