Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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