cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
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It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
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He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
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