I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine