I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain