I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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