I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
