One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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