I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I need to stop coming to work sober
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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