Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
