Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize