I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
