so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
